In the wake of #MeToo and the Silence Breakers, I’ve taken the time to sit down with the women I work with, including my intern and students in my classes, to talk about men sexually harassing women, especially at work. Here’s some of what I heard.
They have told me about worry, about a culture of keeping quiet, and about perseverance. The worry comes from wondering about walking alone at night to wondering if a man they haven’t met will be a creep or one they’ve worked with a lot will be a creep again. It’s in lots of contexts including the office, the kitchen, serving men at a restaurant, and yes…in classes. Sometimes it’s a subtle remark or gaze and sometimes it’s unwanted invitations, continued pursuit, or hands where they don’t belong. Some of them learned to keep quiet because when they lodged a complaint, nothing happened. They were ignored or even pushed out. So they learn to cope with it, talk about it to friends, take cover, or find another job. Nevertheless, they persisted. But at what cost?
Some of the women I’ve spoken with talked about women’s modesty, accountability, and self-respect. Women’s dress to how they talk to their male peers, they said, impacts relationships. If you who want to be taken seriously, that that means being composed and setting boundaries. None of that excuses lecherous behavior, but it’s not always that men are just creeps. There are lots of shades of gray between black and white.
All of them said that men need to be good and respectful examples for one another. We fathers, brothers, and friends need to listen, be open to believing, willing to consider our own roles, and confront bad behavior.
Since I’ve been asked to listen, I did. I still will. More importantly, I’ve been asked to actually hear them and work for them. I hope I have been and I definitely will.
Peter Walks for Democracy 